Push, Fall
by Nerro
Summary: We hope, we fight, we struggle, and yet life demands our suffering. LeviPetra
1. Broken Threads

Disclaimer - Don't own.

Warning: Swearing, mature content.

This may or may not be continued. For now I'll leave it as a oneshot.

I've decided to continue it.

* * *

**Broken Threads**

"_Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."  
― __Ralph Waldo Emerson_

I found myself wondering why the world seemed so dull in my eyes. It's was annoying. It's like some higher entity was forcing me to live an event-less, routine life. I suppose I had everything - wealthy upbringing, inheritance, no major family screw-ups, wasn't a dumbass. Either I was blessed, or my previous life was so fucked up that God, Buddha or whatever felt the need to make it up to me in this life.

I once had the idea of living as a thug. It was a sudden, random idea that seemed pretty worthwhile for the longest time. Back in high school the adrenaline of fighting always felt fucking good, and even now I wondered what had stopped me, like fate was whining in my ear "no, you can't because your life has to be perfect."

Goddamn that. Maybe I was just too much of a pussy.

Instead I ended up taking the easy route. I experienced college, fucked around a bit, and finishing my doctorate for forensic psychology. I worked for a few years and thought I'd found an exciting job examining the most screwed up criminals in the country. It was mildly amusing at first, but things got boring pretty fast. I came back to my alma mater and became a professor, teaching college kids by day and messing around after hours.

I had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me. My life wasn't bad, there was nothing to complain about. But even so, I always felt I was missing something important, and well, that something was a bit of an asshole. It's hard to explain.

The bed sheets beside me rustled. I was wasting my time on the bed of a woman I'd spent the night with, and I had no recollection of entering her apartment - which by the way was fucking filthy. She had what seemed to be unwashed lingerie hanging on her curtain rails.

I got out of her bed and to my horror noticed a stain of faded brown. Jesus Christ, how disgusting could this get, and to think I just fucked her last night. Well not that I remembered much, I was too hammered. Still, I was starting to feel violated.

I saw her phone casually lying on the bedside table and swiftly grabbed it. I erased any traces of my number, or any traces of me, changed into my clothes and left the filth asap. This is why I hated drinking with Hanji and Erwin. She'd spike my drinks, and he'd do jack shit about it. It was apparently funny to watch me pass out, and even funnier to watch me follow the first decent looking woman that walked into the bar home. If I was sober enough, I would have said 'nup' the minute I stepped into her landfill.

* * *

I was waiting at the train station. My motorbike decided to take a large dump on my mood when I got home. Public transport was noisy, frustrating and suffocating. Not to mention revolting. It always gave me this urge to kick someone.

The station began to fill up. I cross my arms to avoid any uncomfortable touching. That was the last thing I needed for a shitty start to a shitty day. My phone shuddered in my pocket. It was a text from Hanji.

_LOL LOOK WHAT I FOUND._

Attached was a photo.

Me. Two women. Jack Daniels. Dark corner.

If this photo got out I would personally fuck up every ambitious experiment she was working on in her laboratory, and I made sure she got the message.

_Delete it or I'll break your face._

I shoved my phone back inside my pocket and sighed. My hangover was getting worse.

About two heads ahead of me, I noticed a girl with sandy blonde hair checking her watch. I couldn't quite see her face, but she was dressed like an overachieving nun, long skirt and all. She was petite and carried a brown satchel in one hand. I guess this is what you called a church girl, the type you couldn't fuck around with. I never paid attention to this type, so it was a wonder as to why I would now.

Hold on. There was something on the nape of her neck. I craned my neck just enough to catch a glimpse. Holy shit, she had a tattoo. I guess she wasn't a church girl, well at least not fully.

The man in front of me conveniently shuffled to his left, as if he was letting me move closer. I glanced at him, but he didn't seem to notice me, too preoccupied with his phone. Guess it was just a coincidence. I moved into the gap, now only one head away from her. And then I saw it, a tattoo of two overlapping wings within a crest. I felt a tug in my chest. A magnetic pull. A sense of déjàvu. Wings, comrades, freedom. What was it?

I muttered aloud on impulse, "Wings of freedom."

Huh? Why did I say that?

She seemed to hear me and her head jerked up.

The moment was cut short. A burly arm reached across me, knocking against my shoulder hard. Who the fuck? And then I saw where it was heading for - the back of the girl's skirt. The sneaky bastard couldn't keep his dick in his pants so he was going for a church girl. The church girl that I was...that I...that...what was I doing before this?

Forget it.

I grabbed his arm and reeled him out of the crowd. The people around us fell back. I was glaring at a large, tanned oaf, wearing a douchebag muscle-shirt.

He grinned when he saw me. That pissed me off.

"Hey shorty, got a death wish?" he growled.

I was going to fucking break his balls and stomp on his manhood.

He tried to pull his arm away. He had a strong right arm I'll give him that, probably from jerking off. Obviously he wasn't expecting me to have this much control over him. I smirked, I couldn't help it. When dumbasses like that appeared it gave me something to vent my worldly frustrations on.

I moved in for a good, solid knee in the nuts, but then I spotted three or four cops coming our way. Fucking idiot seemed to notice them as well and started panicking. I tightened my hold on him, but then I notice a glint in his other hand. Shit, he had a knife. He swung at me and I let go. People started screaming. Then it all happened at once. Before I could do anything he pushed his way through the crowd and ran off. The cops chased after him and the next thing I knew the train had arrived.

I turn around only to find the sandy-haired girl was being swept into the train by the peak hour traffic. I barely caught a glimpse of her face before she was gone. Gold-brown eyes. I knew those eyes. Something hit me like a stone. I felt a sudden surge of agitation and began to panic. Panic? I never panic. I pushed through the crowd and made it to the front within seconds. Where was she?

An image of her flashed before me. Hair tucked behind her ear, a pot of coffee in one hand. But I couldn't see her face. I had to see it. I couldn't lose her again. I had to find Petra.

Petra?

Pet-

It was like a wall slammed in between us.

Wait what was I saying?

My mind went blank.

What was I doing?

Aa. I had to board the train for work.

"Doors closing, please stand clear."

"Wait-"

The doors closed on me, and the train began moving faster than I could chase it. It was like a big _fuck you _to my face.

Strange, I felt like I'd forgotten something important.

* * *

_Space. Endless gliding. A thousand stars. I was being carried away, drifting in limbo._

_The last thing I remembered was the cold eyes of the female titan. My body screaming with pain for a fleeting moment. Life flash before my eyes. Darkness._

_The Captain's face. I never got to tell him. Captain. Captain. I'm sorry. I've left you alone. I wanted my wings of freedom when you had them. I wanted to stand beside you, not ahead. Maybe in the next life we can fix things. Maybe-_

_I spotted a tail of colorful lights in the distance. Like a river it flowed. The closer I was the more at peace I felt. I could hear the voices of a billion souls. Was this the portal to the afterlife? _

_"Petra Ral."_

_I turned around. Mist wrapped around me. I felt cold and lightheaded. I felt safe.  
_

_"Petra Ral."_

_Whose voice was it?_

_"Petra Ral, you can change things."_

_Change what?_

_"Fate has been cruel to your world. Fate has been cruel to you. It offers a second chance."_

_A second chance?_

_"The lives of your world can be reincarnated to another. The ones you loved, the ones you lost, they can all be given a second chance at living."_

_Then give us a life without suffering._

_" The cycle of life can only be repeated, never altered. A world of suffering can only be a world of suffering. A life of suffering can only be a life of suffering."_

_That's unfair. We never asked to be born into that world! All we've ever wanted was the right to live! Eren, Erd, Auruo, Gunter, Captain...everyone...they all believed..._

_"Petra Ral you have the power to change that."_

_How can I? If there's a way I'll do it!_

_"There is a price. Space and time cannot be changed without balance. The price must be paid by you with the purest heart."_

_Name it._

_" I cannot say."_

_Then it's a price that only effects me?_

_"Nothing is promised. Nothing is certain. If you accept, everything will be rewritten by fate. Fate chooses your price as it sees fit."_

_Fine. If it gives us even the slightest chance of being happy. I have my pride as a soldier of the scouting legion even if I'm dead, I was always prepared to give up my happiness._

_A wisp of air caressed my hand. I looked down and saw a blue mote hovering above the palm of my hand.  
_

_"This is the price."_

_The mist that surrounded me was now wrapping itself around the mote, and the next thing I knew it had turned into a red thread that was tied around my little finger. It stretched too far for me to see the other end, I wondered what this was._

_"Will you give this to fate in exchange for the second chance of your world."_

_I looked at the thread. Not knowing what it was, I could be giving up something I didn't want to. I tugged it, it felt fragile. _

_What would Captain do? _

_I wanted him to be happy._

_The voice heard my decision in this._

_"Is that your answer?"_

_Yes._

_"It has been done."_

_The string broke, and I felt my vision grow dark._

_..._

_..._

_Captain Levi, will I see you again?_


	2. Animus

I guess I'll continue for now, thank you for reading. As a result the story has been renamed.

* * *

**Animus**

"_It's all in the mind."  
― __George Harrison_

Hanji was in my face this morning. She was always in my face.

"Oh wow you look like you just woke up from four days and three nights of wild sex."

I wish. I would take that over two weeks of insomnia any day. I've been feeling like shit every morning, and because of that work has been insufferable.

When did it start? Last week after that train ride, yeah, I swear it was that day. Every night since my mind would turn numb as fuck whenever I tried to fall asleep. I think at most I'd get around 2 hours from knocking out in my office. I was rightfully qualified to diagnose myself, but I'd need someone from the psychiatry department to prescribe the meds I needed, and if I did people were going to machine gun me with questions. I'd rather not add migraines to the list of symptoms.

"Hey, so drinks tonight or what?" Hanji reached over to poke me, but she knew better to when I shot her a dirty.

I was going to turn her down, but then I thought maybe getting hammered would get me to sleep, even if it was on a stranger's bed.

"Was that a no, or a yes, or a maybe, or an 'I'm going to be too busy jacking off to criminal masterminds'?"

"Ah."

"Ah to drinking right, not jacking off?"

"YES."

"See, that wasn't so hard!" she flashed a smile and left my office with a triumphant strut. Sometimes I wonder why I bother with Hanji. We had history, dating from freshman year, and not that kind of history (God no). I was roommates with Erwin back then, and I somehow naturally integrated into his miniscule group of friends, and just happened to be the backbone of the group. She was a born prick. She had this bad habit of barging into our rooms, be it studying for finals or walking in while our pants were halfway up, she couldn't give two fucks.

Hanji eventually went on to become a scientist. She was good at what she does, I'll give her that, but mention even one word about her work and that mouth won't shut the fuck up until Sunday. But she knew better than to start with me, or Erwin and Mike. Mostly it was her graduate students that suffered.

Thinking about that strange woman gave me headaches. My eyelids were feeling heavy again, I was going to knock out right here right now, and then wake up two hours later still feeling like I had a Bentley chained to my neck. Maybe I should just suck up my pride and just get those meds.

There was a knock on my door.

"Professor, do you have time?"

I knew that voice all too well. I had no energy to deal with him right now so I kept my mouth shut.

"Professor, are you there?"

No I'm not fucking here. Now go away.

I heard his mumbling behind the door, "He's probably in the bathroom. I'll wait here until he comes back."

For Christ's sake.

I stormed to the door and yanked it open, loud enough so that it was obvious I was not happy to see him. "Just get inside Jaeger."

He doesn't notice. He never does. He was the most stupidly passionate student I've ever taken up, sometimes I wondered if he even had a life outside of forensics.

He waltzed inside like my office was his personal therapy room. Behind him was Mikasa Ackerman, a prodigy was the best word to describe her, but she lacked the ambition Eren Jaeger had. Aside from brains she was quite the looker, but she and Eren were the most possessive lovebirds I had ever seen. I heard she was a junior kick-boxing champion back in the day. I also heard she threw a classmate across the room for flirting with her boyfriend. Now that was something.

If Eren just...transferred a little of his borderline-compulsive ambition to her it would all be perfect, and I wouldn't have to deal with the 30 emails I got from this little fucker Every. Single. Day.

But then I know these two were destined for great futures. And then I know these two will have a good life together. I see them all the time, cooing each other on the staircase, the lawn, the library, hell even at the car park, and it's really fucking gross, but I envy them. They've got their lives planned out, they know what they want and who they want, but what did I have? Everything a third world child wanted, but then it all seemed pointless.

"Professor?"

I snapped out of it, the two of them were staring at me.

"Sit," I said.

* * *

I was very right about sex and alcohol working.

She was taller than what I usually went with, blonde and curvaceous. I even let her spike my drink. She wasn't very tactful about it. Her apartment was decent, but to be honest I was too fucked up to notice. I took her rough, rougher than I normally would, and she was screaming so loud I had to tell her to shut it. But that was how desperate I was to pass out, and with my dopamine levels through the roof, I didn't give my mind the chance to numb. It was my way of telling it to _calm the fuck down_ and it did. A few rounds was enough for the fatigue to sink in, and that night I slept like the dead.

But I also dreamed.

...

...

_I'm in my office, alone. It's quiet and lacklustre without them. There were times when I found them noisy, and times when they could be frustrating, but those times were now gone and I would rather hear the bickering of their voices than be here. Alone._

_You're alone again, this has happened before. But then it's worse because they were taken away, and then it's worse because I was fond of them. I would never admit it, but everyone knows, Erwin knows, Hanji knows, Eren knows, even the others know. _

_I am alone and it feels strange. There is a clawing sense of despair I can't brush away, but I show nothing. I'm incapable of crying, even though I am crying inside. I'm incapable of yelling, even though I'm screaming inside. I've accepted it, but at the same time I haven't. _

_I hear footsteps, and I go to lock the door. And it's humiliating, because I know exactly what I'm doing. I was hiding. I was a coward. And then I turn around and see the empty mug on my desk. _

_Petra. _

_I'm sorry._

_..._

_..._

I woke up in cold sweat.

What was that? A nightmare? A memory? I don't even remember anymore, but there was a dull pain in my chest. It stayed for a while, but once I realised the shower was running and that I was still in the apartment of my one night stand, I forgot about it and started changing.

It was the first fulfilling sleep I had in two weeks. I never thought this would be the method to solving my problems. Sex to me was like taking a piss. It was a temporary urge, done and gone. It was raw, it was fun, it was a past time, and I couldn't care less about the person I was doing it with. Call me a dickhead but I spoke the truth.

I left her apartment. A neighbor saw me on the way; I didn't bother looking at him. While waiting for the elevator, I was relishing the familiar throbbing of a hangover. It was worse than usual. I supposed that shouldn't surprise me, I had no idea what I was spiked with last night. Desperate measures had their consequences I guess.

When the doors opened, there was already someone inside. It was a woman, dressed like a church girl...why did it seem like I'd seen her before?

She smiled at me, "Nice day."

"Ah."

We stood in silence as the elevator descended. In the mirror beside me I could see her sandy blonde hair and gold eyes, a plain face in my opinion. Hm. I didn't think much of her. I was saying that but at the same time her face kept forcing its way into my thoughts. Although she had the good-girl appearance, what's the bet she had a sharp tongue when she needed to be, and what's the bet she was physically tougher than she looked? But, what did I care? I was paying way too much attention to her. It was making me feel uncomfortable...weird...and it was like something I felt not too long ago.

Train station.

That's right, I did have this strange, longing sensation back then. I might have seen something as well, but I couldn't remember. Amnesia? I don't know but suddenly her presence was driving me nuts. It was like my mind was rattling on iron bars and begging for me to set it free.

"You," I blurted out. I couldn't help myself. She looked my way. "Have we met?"

She looked curious, and I don't know what to make of it. "I'm sorry, I don't think so. I've only been in the country for two weeks."

"I see." Maybe I was over-thinking, mistaking her for another woman.

And then I want to say something more; nothing comes out. Normally I thought superstition was just bullshit made up for idiots to believe, but I really felt as if some unknown douche-bag force had shoved his hand in my mouth and was whispering in my ear _"No dude, she's off limits." _

For some reason it made me angry. It made me frustrated. She wasn't even my fucking type. I stopped conversation there. The doors opened, and I power walked away. I didn't give myself time to ask for her name, and that was a good thing because why would I want to know it? I could do better.

And I don't know if I was just hearing things, but I could have sworn I heard her call out my name.


	3. Coffee

Holy shit why did I decide to start this during exams...

* * *

**Coffee**

_"Just coffee. Black - like my soul."_

_— City of Bones_

I thought I was cured, but apparently not. Sleep wasn't the issue anymore, waking up to clammy hands and nausea was the new thing. Today I threw up. I woke up to another one of those nightmares (that I could never remember), and suddenly, yesterday's dinner was waiting for me to let it out. I ran to the bathroom, and was bent over for a solid ten minutes. I felt pregnant.

I don't know man, something was seriously wrong with my body lately. From insomnia to this, it had to be something pretty serious, but when I went to Erwin for answers, he told me it was probably because of the drugs my one night stand spiked me with. He said after a few days it should go away. That was complete, utter bullshit because motherfucker it had been a week and I still felt like throwing up every morning. I was taking a sick day for the third time already; if this kept up I was going to end up in intensive care. I sighed. I just wanted it to go away already. Why couldn't it just fucking go away already?

I was sitting at a table outside a cafe. Tuesdays were quiet, it was nice not being around people, of course that didn't mean I wanted to be a friendless asshole, I still valued companionship, it was part of being human. Now was just a good time to be alone, else I throw up on someone's face, I wouldn't mind if it was Hanji, or Erwin for shits and giggles.

I lit a smoke. It's been a few years since I quit, but I bought a pack yesterday because I thought I deserved it. More like needed it. I started in high school because I was curious. Stupid decision, but when you're young you do stupid things, like fucking every girl in your year for example. No I was just kidding, I didn't really.

Anyway, every time took a puff I got this really nice buzz in my head, it was a damn good feeling. I missed it. It wouldn't become a habit again I swear. Just until I was better, you know, I wasn't proud of voluntarily destroying my lungs. Nobody would judge me for it, actually a lot of people just expected me to be a heavy smoker. _Professor you look like a smoker. Do you smoke, Professor? I bet you go through 3 packs a day Levi. Hey give me a lighter_... was only a sample of the shit I got every day.

I never understood how you could just look like one, did it mean I looked like a douchebag? Hanji had told me so on a number of occasions, I tend to ignore the crap she gave me but she could be right for once.

The morning waitress had come to my table, supposedly annoyed with the fact I still hadn't ordered anything. I didn't bother looking at her, but I might as well get her out of my hair and order.

"It really was you," she suddenly muttered. I glanced up, and was momentarily taken aback. It could be a coincidence, it probably was a coincidence, but for her to work in the only cafe I went out of my way to buy coffee from was too much of a coincidence. She looked different with the whole t-shirt and short-shorts getup, petite but had a decent pair of legs. I didn't think she would remember me.

"Guy from the elevator that gave me a dirty after trying to hit on me," I could hear the scorn in her voice. And I was _not _hitting on her that day, to think she even came to that conclusion. I don't even remember giving her a dirty.

"That's a bold assumption," I said.

She scoffs, and I wasn't sure if she was insulted or amused. "Well, what'll it be?"

"Short black," I said flatly.

"Anything else?"

"To be left alone." She rolled her eyes, and I noticed her name badge. It read _Petra_ – a common name for common girl. I watched her as she went behind the counter. My usual barista stepped aside and let her work the coffee machine, and then I realised she was making my short black today. My fucking short black. I really hated it when they did that. Like, thanks for asking if an amateur could fuck up my order in which I'm paying you for. I observed her like a hawk, made sure she didn't spit in it.

She came back with my coffee, and I think she realized I was watching her because she had this smirk on her face. Shit.

I pressed my cig in the ashtray. Like usual, I took a bag of sugar from the saucer, ripped the top off, poured it in and stirred. I tilted the cup left and right just to show her I didn't trust it.

"Oh my god, really?" I heard her say.

I took the cup to my lips, and then I noticed Petra was still standing there.

"Yes?" I inquired.

"You know," she started. "Coffee, it says a lot about the kind of person you are."

I guess she decided to ignore my _'to be left alone' _request. Both bold _and _inconsiderate. I continued sipping, and to my surprise it was really damn good, exactly how I liked it. And really how hard was it to make coffee? I say that but very rarely did I appreciate it this much. I think she knew, because now her smirk had grown into something insidious. Well, I would never say it to her face.

"Short black. You're straightforward, serious and like to do things as you please. You don't really like to fuck around and you've got a temper," she continued, "then there's the sugar, you didn't ask for it directly because you've got a stubborn pride and a reputation to keep, but it's in there and still a part of you, that sweet, sugary side the girls want a taste of. In my opinion that's pretty fucking gross, but to each their own I guess."

For her to swear gave me this very alien feeling. That church-girl image was completely destroyed.

She gave me this AMIRIGHT look, and at that moment I was just dying to shoot her down. "If you believe in that bullshit then yeah by all means, you're right _Petra._" And I was careful to enunciate her name. I was being an asshole.

Instead of taking my coffee and dumping it over my head, she gave me a mildly annoyed look. I was pretty impressed, most women would get the message by now that I wanted them to piss off. Okay fine, I didn't really want that, I just felt like being an asshole out of boredom. See? She was wrong about me not liking to fuck around.

She crossed her arms. "Do you take pleasure in being a pretentious dick to girls you don't even know?"

"No, I take pleasure in being a pretentious dick to waitresses that don't know how to let their customer's drink a fucking coffee in peace." That came out a little harsher than I wanted it to. Anything I said to her did, as a matter of fact, my mouth was just running on its own.

"Oh I'm so sorry for trying to be sociable like a normal human being. I thought you could use some company since you looked like an extreme loner on a Tuesday morning."

"You're full of assumptions aren't you?" I snidely remarked.

"You—"

"PETRA!" that short stocky barista yelled at her and put an end to our intense, sharp-tongue flirting. Petra gave me a dirty, and I ignored it, although secretly I really felt like smiling triumphantly.

But then she asked me before leaving. "Do I get a name?"

"Levi," I replied a little too fast.

"Huh. I was expecting something like Dick," she quipped, and left me to finish my drink.

I was surprised with myself. When did I start giving my name to random chicks so instantaneously like I was desperate for a fuck? I wanted to take that back so badly now. Jesus Christ what was it with this girl that got me so on edge. Sure she wasn't really my type, but if I wanted her usually I'd just go in for the kill. This time I wasn't even sure if I wanted her, and even if I did I kept fucking up.

Maybe I needed some advice, I don't know. Wait. No. Fuck that. Advice? What was I thinking? I was just going to finish this stupid coffee and go to work or something.

And then I noticed she was watching me from a distance. She looked away, embarrassed.

Yeah, this coffee was really good.


	4. Premonition

Hello new readers, how is everyone today?

* * *

**Premonition**

"_First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you."  
― __F. Scott Fitzgerald_

"You're looking good lately," Erwin said as we joined the others at the bar. "Is it a woman?"

"When," I started sharply, "has a woman ever had any positive effects on my health?"

He seemed to notice I was a little too defensive, because he was curiously side-glancing my way. "Lighten up."

I took the stool beside Mike, away from Hanji who had drunken herself to partial insanity. She was looking stupidly our way, and said something that just sounded like jibberish to me. "Whut dath ting on yerh flace, ook slike dhafg!"

I ignored her. Mike ordered her a jug of water to sober up, but then she started bothering the poor fucker a seat away from her. We just let her be.

"Everyone's here today," Erd observed, polishing a highball glass. "There's usually one or two missing."

Erd was both our regular go-to bartender and good friend. He was one of the few faces I could tolerate looking at on a weekly basis, which was a good thing since I was always here. Sometimes he was my wingman, on his own volition, he would seat the good ones closest to me. I had to admit it made life a lot easier. With him I didn't need to waste my time trying to figure out whether I was going to spend the night at a _clean _and _healthy _environment. Bartenders were pretty much omniscient, and he knew I had problems with hygiene, so it all worked out.

"So what'll it be Professor?"

"Bourbon on the rocks," I answered.

"Guess you're taking a break tonight eh?"

"You could say that."

It took a moment to process what he meant, and what I meant – that I had no intentions of staying at a stranger's tonight. All I wanted was a good, strong drink and a night at home. And it was a strange, new feeling.

"I'll have a Gin and Tonic," Erwin chimed into my thoughts. Erd began his magic, and I noticed he was being a little more flamboyant than usual. Two young girls were watching him a few stools away. Heh. I guess that was why. Even bartenders wanted that.

"Hey, so the hospital chairman is hosting a PR party next week," Erwin looked at me expectant, but I had no idea what he was expecting because he could have told me he took a shit last night and I'd have the exact same reaction.

"And?"

"He asked me to bring some 'notable' people."

I didn't like where this was going.

"And?"

"Well there's going to be GPs hoarded there, I think they'd like it if a hot-shot like yourself went. Patients would be coming in bulk."

I raised an eyebrow. "Erwin, I'm a fucking forensic psychologist, I deal with axe murderers and rapists, not first world problems."

"We all know you're qualified to be a world dictator with your skills, no one's going to question your credentials."

"That wasn't the point, genius. Besides I don't do that clinical bullshit anymore."

"I think it would be good for you," Mike said. He was turning red, and that meant the extroverted Mike was coming out. "Take this chance to go meet someone _seriously_, you can't live the rest of your life alone y'know."

So that's what this was about.

"What he said," Erd set our drinks down in front of us. "We aren't getting any younger."

"Fuck my life, not you too," I spat. They knew I'd caught on. When did this become about me and my lack of commitment. I took my highball and chugged about half of it down.

"Woah, slow down there. I think the point of 'on the rocks' is taking your time," Erd said, and I glared at him.

"I'm not going."

Erwin kept trying. "And I don't want to be hounded all day by pharmaceutical reps, keep me company."

"I'm not going."

All three of them were looking at me, waiting for me to cave in. Well too fucking bad for them, my answer was no and it would stay no. I was not a people person and I never would be, and a party dedicated solely to superficial socializing was the epitome of stupid. And why did I need a single companion to tie me down for the rest of my life? I was happy with how things were.

* * *

They were laughing, Hanji was passed out, Erd was making us drink after drink.

I felt drunk. I was drunk. And that meant I was going to do and say stupid things. It's funny because at the corner of my mind I was consciously aware of everything, but when you're completely hammered all you could do was observe all the crazy shit that happens.

"So hey, I'm outside having a smoke, and I see him with Jess while his daughter's waiting in the car."

"Man, that's fucked up. How old is his daughter?"

"Eight. I reckon old enough to know that's not just your dad's friend."

"Sheesh," Mike shook his head. He looked over at me and I could vaguely make out a worried expression. "Levi you okay? You don't look so good."

Everything was great. I felt great, and that girl standing near the counter had nice legs. Did I ever mention I had a thing for nice legs? She reminded me of someone. I felt a nudge in my side, and I turned to glare at Erwin. "What?"

"I think you've had enough."

Jesus Christ. I was a fucking grown man, and almost thirty. I think I was old enough to handle myself. I brushed him off and reached for my glass...I didn't even remember how many I had had. Hey what was I even doing here? "Yeah what the fuck am I even doing here."

"You're completely fucked up, no more drinks for you." He took my glass away and I almost went ape shit on him, but Mike had held me back before I could.

"Fuck you, I paid for that," I hissed.

"You're going to have an alcohol problem at the rate you're drinking every week. Don't blame me for acting like any doctor and_ friend_ would." I struggled to break free from Mike, but he had me good, plus I couldn't see straight.

"I _will _kick your neck in you bastard."

Give me my fucking drink.

"Sure, sure." I thought I saw him give Mike a look, but it could be the alcohol. Anyway, I wanted my drink.

"Erd!" I heard myself garble, "get me a straight Jack Daniels."

"Sorry professor, the doctor says no."

Holy shit, what did I have to do to get my fucking drink?

Then Erwin raised his hand in front of me, and I wasn't sure what he wanted, so I leaned in to hi-five it, and he gave me this _wow-you-must-be-really-fucked-up_ look. And so I got pissed off, and the hi-five turned into a balled up fist ready to punch his face inside out. Mike held me back again.

"Levi, stop. I'll give you your drink back."

"Well I don't fucking see it in my hands yet, hurry up," I snapped.

"IF you come with me to the party."

Fucking. Not this again. But I really wanted my drink you know, and drunk promises never counted anyway, so I would just agree and back out later. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just give me my drink."

He looked at me all sly, like he had something up his sleeve. I didn't like that look, but I found myself snatching my unfinished highball from him and he seemed pleased with himself. What an idiot. The night went on with one final glass, and I passed out.

* * *

I was once again hungover on a Saturday morning. I only briefly remembered the rest of the night, Mike and Erwin mumbling to each other, and myself behind hauled over a shoulder. I think Hanji disappeared long before I reached her level. Ugh, I had a really bad migraine.

I decided to head to the cafe for a hangover cure. Recently I was going more often, usually on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. I swear it wasn't because those were the only days Petra was working. I fucking swear. It was because I started to appreciate coffee, and she just so happened to make damn _good _coffee.

Most of our conversations consisted of us bantering back and forth. It was kind of fun I guess (being an asshole to her). Eventually I found out she was only a part-timer, and eventually she found out I was a professor, god knows how. Since then she wouldn't stop calling me professor, it didn't really bother me, but it was _weird_.

Speak of the devil. She was bringing out tables and chairs when I arrived. I considered helping her, but she'd probably just look at me like I was high on aspirin. Petra saw me, and smiled. I felt myself wanting to smile back.

"You're early," she observed. Her smile dropped after seeing how fucked up I looked. "God, how much did you drink last night?"

"I don't know," I passed her and took a seat right beside the door. She put the chair she was holding down and came over to me. I was expecting her to throw some kind of insult about how I was an alcoholic slut, seeing how she knew of my weekly endeavors into a new woman's bed, but instead, she knelt down to my level. She brought her face close to mine. Too close. Way too close for comfort. But she was staring at me and I was staring right back at her, not even sure what to do. I noticed her hair tucked behind her ear, those glassy brown eyes with a glint of gold, and I couldn't help but feel something stir inside of me. I don't think it was _that _kind of feeling. More like...nostalgia? A sad kind. Where was this even coming from? I didn't fucking know. I turned my head away, irritated, but Petra doesn't give up. She caught my face in between her hands, and I lost all ability to move.

"Oh god you're fevering up, there's no way drinking coffee is going to cure this," she said, and I smelt the coffee in her breath, I noticed the tiny mole on her neck, and everything seemed in my reach. I felt like a boy, like I was in high school again, I don't think I've ever even felt this way in high school. Whatever she was making me feel was really getting to me. I grabbed her arm, and I think I grabbed her way too hard because I heard her cry out. Fuck. I let go.

Petra stepped back, I'd scared her. It made me panic. Nobody saw us or heard us, but that was the least of my worries. Why would I do that to her?

After a moment, she regained herself, and I was relieved. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence between us, and I wanted to punch myself.

She broke the silence. "Yeah, definitely no coffee for you, I'll make you some tea, my own special brew, it's the best cure I know. So stop giving me that look."

Petra could see I was guilty as fuck. She went inside to make my tea. Shit. Not only was I beating myself up for grabbing her like that, I seemed to be afraid that her opinion of me had degraded into an alcoholic, abusive ex-husband or something seriously fucked up. I crossed the line man, this was not my morning. Why did it bother me so much that she touched me? I could have avoided that situation altogether if I just played it cool. But no, I panicked.

I realized I was restlessly tapping my foot. I stopped when Petra was back with a pot and a ceramic teacup. She poured it for me, and we didn't say anything. I would rather her throw an insult at me because this was just painful.

"Anyway," she put the pot down. "Enjoy your tea professor, this one's on me. And please, go home and take a rest."

She did not give me a chance to protest, and hurried back inside. Was she being nice because she knew I felt bad? I was getting all sorts of mixed signals from this girl, and it was confusing the fuck out of me. I wasn't used to this. I think I preferred her calling me a jerk. I actually wanted her to be mad at me.

I took a sip of the tea, and was completely overwhelmed by the syrupy aroma as it washed away my grogginess as well as my anxiety. She was right, this was a lot better than coffee. This was sex. There was another new and strange sensation growing in my chest now. I didn't know tea could do that. She was amazing at making beverages that did _not_ involve alcohol. I glanced her way, and saw only her back.

I thought about it.

Was I...possibly interested in Petra?

It that was true, it was all moving a little too fast, too spontaneous and new for me to understand. I guess I was scared because every relationship I have had with the opposite sex up until now, was purely physical. It was why they always left me in the end, a lack of emotional attachment, and all I could really say to them was _'okay'_. At one point I thought I could be interested in my own gender. But that wasn't it either. When I reflect back, it sort of seemed like I was trying to fill a hole.

And then there was Petra who's nothing special. A little sassy, unexpectedly nice, kind of person you wanted to marry. Not that I was into that kind of crap. But there was something about her, and I couldn't tell if it was a genuine interest in dating her or something much more complicated.

I received a text from Erwin. Great timing. It was probably about last night. I opened the message.

_Remember what your drunk self promised last night or else I'm sending these to Hanji. _

And when I saw the photos, I don't think about Petra, and I don't think about my philosophies. I just wanted to castrate Erwin.


	5. Identity

Haha I'll leave it up to your imaginations about the photos.

* * *

**Identity**

_..._

Smart little fucker. Biggest asshole of a friend. Taking advantage of my drunk self. I told him to go fuck himself but I knew that meant nothing. Erwin could be a cold-hearted bastard when he wanted to, he knew if those photos were given to Hanji she would mass print them and throw them around the college campus like confetti. I also trusted him enough to know he would screw me over if I backed out on the last minute.

In the first place he never intended to give me the option of choosing. I just had to suck it up and go. He had a way with things that even I couldn't avoid.

My irritation with Erwin had followed me home. It was only after collapsing onto my couch that Petra returned to my thoughts. I had unintentionally taken her advice and decided to take it easy. But now I was too restless to read or book or do something mundane. She was just there, lingering. I knew more about Eren Jaeger than I did about her, and that was saying a lot. This attraction made no sense at all. I mean, if it was gradual I guess I could reason it was the personality, which would be a first for me. Getting to know someone was a pain. Small-talk was a waste of time. Anyone could tell I wasn't a people person.

And yet the more I saw her the more I thought she was cute, if you were into that. I've known her for less than a month, but in no way did I spend that month _knowing_ her. It doesn't give much time for a gradual physical attraction either.

This was getting ridiculous. I was going to spend the entire day thinking about Petra, wasn't I? A part of me wanted to, and the other part was warning me to stop. And I said I could be interested but I was still afraid, and being afraid of a girl was a weakness I couldn't handle, it was more than just the fear of looking down from a skyscraper, or the fear of rejection, it was an unpredictable fear.

It left me unsure and a little lost, but something told me I would give it a chance. One day, someday, maybe not now. But I wasn't going to ignore it, even if it took me out of my comfort zone. I did want to know her, be around her, talk to her, discover the hidden potentials of our relationship. In the end it was my choice, and anyone that knew me knew I took those seriously. I could only believe I wouldn't regret the choice I made.

...

...

_I don't say a word as we move along the main road. I'm exhausted. I'm physically and mentally drained. The chatter around us is mute to my ears. I can only hear the hollow sounds that the horse hooves make. _

_The people are watching me. Admiration, fear, wonder. But I feel...nothing. Not the pain in my leg, or the dejection the others are riddled with. _

_I am empty. And only now does it hit me. _

_"Captain Levi Sir!" I hear from the crowds. I turn my gaze and see an elderly man, and I see the familiar blond in his hair that destroys me inside. _

_He pushes through the crowd and runs to my side. "Thank you for taking care of my daughter! I'm Petra's father, I thought I'd stop and talk to you a little before going to find her!"_

_..._

_"My daughter sent me this letter, you see...she wrote she got the high honor to be of some use to you, Captain, and that she was going to give it her all to live up to your expectations. Well, you know...she was outright boasting, not understanding how worried that news could make a parent hahaha..."_

_"Um, well...anyway...as her father I, uh...I was thinking it was probably too early for me to insist she get married, you know...she's still too young and has a whole life ahead of her so..."_

_And all of a sudden my mind shatters. _

_..._

_..._

* * *

It was the morning of the stupid PR party. I grabbed a coffee from Petra before heading off to work. We were on good terms. I think that incident was a kick in the head to stop acting like a jackass, and so now I wasn't so cold to her. Not particularly nice either. She never held it against me, or even mentioned it as a matter of fact. We still had our banters and insults. At this point I guess you could call us...friends or something close to that. Her freakishly good tea had also found its way into my diet. I found that it kept me awake more often than coffee did.

Weeks had passed since I met her, and even though whatever I felt for Petra seemed to be growing by the day, I refused to make a move. It was still unclear to me whether this was an emotional, sexual attraction or something entirely different. I was still trying to pry the truth out of myself, so for now I wanted to avoid any fuck-ups. I liked things the way they were. I was just avoiding making the decision.

Other than my Petra dilemmas which I had grown used to, it was finals soon, so I had a shitload of work cut out for me. Hundreds of really terribly written essays to mark, and a first draft for the third year semester exams to write up. The shitty thing was, Erwin didn't give a fuck, and said that he'd write the papers for me if it meant getting me to this party. I didn't understand why he was so desperate for me to go, like really, it's a fucking party. He didn't even like parties...that much.

Sometimes I felt he took some kind of twisted pleasure in seeing me suffer. I hope I was wrong, because as much as I respected him as a person and a friend, I don't think I could handle that.

I spent the rest of the day marking, scribbling, getting pissed off at seeing the same mistakes over and over again. I gave two lectures, taught two classes, and spent two hours on an article I'd been asked to write by the European Psychologist's Journal. They wanted me on the current trending topic: Past life regression. I knew shit about hypnosis and all this borderline superstition crap, it was probably the area I was least interested in during my junior years, so I was pretty confused when they asked me to do this. They said that having someone as insightful as myself, commenting on the reincarnation theory, would give the educated public something to talk about. I wasn't buying it, but the amount they were offering was worth a little overtime and extra research. I suppose having a reputation within your industry had its perks.

Still...reincarnation, past lives, was the biggest load of bull ever invented, and so my entire article was going to be the biggest bullshit ever written. I was looking forward to it.

I peeked outside my window, my eyes needing a break. It was getting late, which meant that idiot Erwin was going to start obsessively calling and texting me soon. I had a view of the campus lawn, and often saw more than I wanted to. For example, Eren and Mikasa were spooning under a tree. Sometimes, I saw too much of those two, to the point of being sick of their faces.

* * *

It was fucking cold tonight. And I was still standing outside waiting for Erwin. I could have taken my bike there, but he said it wasn't appropriate, and insisted he pick me up. In my opinion, he was just paranoid about me bailing on him or turning up late.

I shoved my hands in my pockets. The Marlboro Reds from last month were tucked inside. I did say I wouldn't make a habit out of it again, and I'd kept my word. But today was an occasion that was going to annoy me, stress me, and annoy the shit out of me, and if I was going to have a bad night anyway, I might as well smoke it off while I'm there.

Erwin pulled up in his silver Mercedes.

Show off.

I got in the front without looking at him. He slammed his foot on the accelerator, and we were speeding down the road.

"Are you _happy_?" I sardonically asked.

"Very," he replied, and although I wasn't looking his way, it was obviously there, that satisfied smirk.

What an asshole.

It didn't take long for us to arrive, and the turnout was bigger than I expected. There was probably close to about a hundred or so people here, including a small flock of media. And then I realized why he had to blackmail me, because there was no way I would want to turn up to something like this. I knew it was a PR party but not to this scale. I was not happy about it.

"Fuck you Erwin," I spat.

"Man fuck you too," and my eyes widened at his reaction.

"What did you say?"

He was relentless. "You heard what I said. I get that this whole thing seems like a waste of time, but I'm a good fucking friend and I worry about you, because you've been looking like a lonely, sad drug addict since you started teaching. You think I like dragging you to these things? You think Hanji, Mike, Erd and I don't notice how fucked up your life is? You live like you're always lost, unsatisfied, no direction, no purpose, reckless. Levi you're a psychologist, you should know better than anyone else what eventually happens to people like that. We just don't want to see you die alone like a sad fucking loser."

What the _fuck_? This was what it was all about? And just as I was about to argue back, a few of his colleagues came to join us, and I was cut off. Erwin lost his frown, and greeted them, leaving me to stand there, speechless.

"Hey Doctor, glad to see you've made it! Oh Levi, you're here too—" he saw the look on my face, and stopped.

I had just arrived and was already having a really shit time. If I stayed here any longer I swear to god Erwin was going to have a black eye, so I angrily left the bastard and his co-workers, not bothering to look back. He didn't stop me, but I knew he was watching me. I could feel people looking my way.

Security saw me approaching the doors. I shot them a _I-fucking-DARE-you _look and they stayed where they were. Inside was impressive, as expected of a billionaire hospital chairman. The foyer was filled with people I didn't know, or cared to know. My plan was, now that Erwin had put me in a bad mood, to eat, sit, smoke and go home. That little shit better be grateful I was still here, only because I was worried he'd leak those photos.

His words were still ringing in my head. I know I didn't have the most positive lifestyle, but man, to say I would die alone kind of hurt. But seriously, what was the point of forcing me here if he was just going to start the night like that? I could be out drinking, having sex, doing something productive...

Then it hits me like a truck. I froze midway to the dining hall, and realized that that was all there was to my life. Work, drink, sex, work, drink, sex. If I wasn't here, I would be doing one of three. Everything that seemed so _right _to me was suddenly all so _wrong._

And then as if she knew I was troubled, as if she knew I was seeking validation, her voice tapped me on the shoulder, and gave me comfort, "Professor, is that you?"

I turned around and saw her, standing in the middle of the crowd in her red dress, holding a plate of smoked salmon in one hand and a fork in the other. Erwin's words disappeared from my thoughts, and I just stared at her. And the more I looked at her, the more I thought to myself...

Who am I, or rather, who was I?


	6. Reunited

So I was watching a yaoi anime, and one of the side characters had this familiar, sexy voice and I was like 'damn you kind of sound like Levi'. Turns out it was Levi. WOW I'M GOOD.

Anyway important note (not really), I noticed I've been spelling a few names wrong since there's so many variations of the character's names. So I'll be using confirmed Kodansha name spellings from here on (might go back and change mistakes later), so Hanji is Hange, Erd is Eld etc. That is all.

* * *

**Reunited**

"_It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."  
― __The Winter of Our Discontent_

I didn't ask her why she was here, and she didn't ask me why I was here. It was a silent, mutual agreement we shared with each other. And we were together for the rest of the night, avoiding the shallow surface of the party. I asked her to join me outside for a smoke, even though I knew she didn't smoke, but I wanted her to stay.

We went outside, alone in our privacy. I slowly inhaled and felt my head rush. Petra was just watching, seemingly fascinated by the way I was damaging my body. I wasn't angry at Erwin anymore, instead I was grateful, even though I now felt more lost than ever. But if he didn't chew me out, I wouldn't be here, standing with Petra, contemplating on where I would go from now. What was I living for? Where was my direction? This wasn't a mid-life crisis. It was me finally opening my eyes to just how empty I was. I thought I knew myself, especially at an age so close to thirty, but I didn't. So void of living, so incapable of loving. Spending my nights with different women, to fill that abyss inside of me that I never noticed.

Then Petra walks into my life, and I start to feel things that I never knew existed. I wanted to know. Could she help me? What kind of effect did she have on me?

"Tell me something."

"Hm?"

"Your life, your likes and dislikes, whatever."

She tilted her head, and I found myself looking away nervously. "Are you trying to...get to...know...me?"

I didn't say anything. She better not get any weird ideas out of this. Petra chuckled, and came to stand beside me. I stiffened.

"Well," she took the cigarette from my mouth with two fingers and threw it to the ground. "First, I don't like smokers and smoking. I believe if you have enough respect for yourself, you'll see that your life is too precious to be cutting it short."

I glared, "I didn't ask for your opinion on my life choices."

"I know, but you asked for my likes and dislikes, and I'm telling you I don't like smokers. So do you want to listen or not?"

She shut me up.

Petra smirked. "I don't like smokers. But I do like people that don't give a damn about what others think of them, and I'm drawn to people with an individualistic quality. I admire that. Actually it's strange, my dad has always been uncomfortable around strong personalities, complete opposite to me. You'd definitely be someone he'd be uncomfortable around, you have such a enigmatic air to you...like...I don't know how to explain. I think you have the potential to be something great, too great for this world, even the title of _professor _doesn't do you justice. I imagine you could be an infamous warlord or mafia boss. Oh look, you got me rambling." She blushed, like she'd said too much.

"Huh." I side-glanced at her. So that was what she thought of me. Someone destined for greatness. But warlord? Mafia boss? I should be flattered but the idea seemed so ridiculous.

"What about you?" she asked.

"I thought this was a conversation about Petra."

"Well it turned into a conversation about Levi."

"I don't want to talk about myself."

"It's common courtesy for _both _parties to exchange information when getting to know someone. Some psychologist you are."

"Actually, humans tend to prefer to go off on tangents about themselves than listen to others."

"Great, all the more reason for you to be talking."

Just by appearances, you'd never associate the word sassy with this girl, but she was its epitome. I opened my mouth to say something snarky. But nothing comes out. Lately, I was losing a lot of our arguments, just because I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Was I losing my touch?

Petra was still waiting for a response.

"There's nothing to know about me."

"You don't really have any confidence in yourself, do you?"

Always making assumptions, this girl. I sighed. "It's not that I lack confidence, there's just genuinely nothing interesting I can tell you."

"Sure there are. What were you like in highschool?"

"Like anyone else. Young, naive, stupid."

"A little more specific, thanks."

I sighed again. I wasn't really good at this. "I got into a lot of fights, fucked around with friends, got into trouble."

"Woah, a delinquent. Well I can see that happening."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She laughed, like the breeze against a wind chime. A strand of hair fell loosely from her ear, and I had this strong urge to lean over and brush it aside. I couldn't believe myself, I was acting like a high schooler going through puberty. My gaze shifted to the ground.

"So I guess a lot of those fights were for being short huh?"

Okay. That was uncalled for. "I'm going home." I power walked back inside the foyer. Brazen woman. Was she purposely having a go at me? Right when I was opening up to her.

"Wait, I didn't mean that!" I heard her call out, and quickened my pace. The sound of her heels clanking and echoing awkwardly told me she wasn't used to wearing them. Whatever, I was done talking for the day and just wanted to go home and sleep. Enough Petra and Erwin.

And then I heard her stumble, fall and cry out.

Of course I stopped. Of course I turned around and hurried to her rescue. Of course she sprained her ankle. And of course I carried her all the way outside. I was beginning to wonder if this was fate laughing in my face, or it could be punishing me for all the people I'd hurt.

She was light, like I imagined, and her face was obviously red with embarrassment. It frustrated me, because I was getting weird feelings in my chest from just touching her. There were a lot of confused looks coming our way from the guests.

"Hey."

"Y-Yeah?" she stuttered.

"I can't carry you all night, who'd you come here with?"

"Oh, um...friends. It's alright just put me down, I'll call someone to come get me."

"Whatever," I helped her sit on one of the chairs set up for the media. This was my cue to go. I really wanted (needed) to leave, so I could reflect on the series of events or something. Fuck, I don't know. I started to walk off.

She grabbed my sleeve. "You're not just gonna leave me here?"

"Why not?"

"What an ass. Come on, just stay with me until my friend is here."

No.

"Fine," came out instead.

I was really hating myself right now.

* * *

Petra and I talked a little more. She was less mysterious than I anticipated. She worked at a day-care center for most of the week, and the cafe job was just for the extra cash. I guess it worked, she always had this motherly child-friendly aura about her. I could already see it. Petra yelling at a bunch of brats to pipe the fuck down. I chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing."

She looked amused. "I didn't think you were capable of laughing, with that poker face of yours."

Funny, she wasn't the only one that has said that to me. Hange sometimes said I looked dead. Was I not human in people's eyes?

All of a sudden, I saw Erwin coming our way. Jesus, his timing. Erwin was the last person I wanted to see right now. Beside him were two guys I didn't know, one frivolous looking and the other a complete polar opposite. I didn't say anything.

Without hesitation, he called out to me, "Levi."

"What?" I tried to sound as annoyed as I could.

Either he didn't care, or didn't notice. "You know Petra?" and that caught my attention. How did he know her name? He couldn't be that friend she was talking about. The coincidence level would be too high.

"Sort of," I replied.

He turned to Petra. "How long have you known this guy?"

"Not too long. He drinks the coffee and tea I make."

They sounded familiar with each other. I don't know why but I was feeling embarrassed.

"I see," he didn't push it any further, and I was glad.

"These are Eld's friends, Oluo and Gunther. Petra is his friend too."

"I didn't know Eld was here."

"He's not, but he told me they were coming. I met them not too long ago and was going to introduce you to them sooner...but then you left." I hated that there was obviously a hidden message in the way he said that. He was the kind of person that didn't forget about things, always needing a heart-to-heart conversation to resolve shit. It was really _really _not my thing.

"Oluo's part of the media crew."

"Huh." I cared so much.

The guy called Oluo looked me up and down. I felt violated. Something told me he was the kind of person that would piss me off to no end.

"Petra," he lost interest in me pretty fast, "Are you okay?" I didn't know if it was obvious to anyone else, but he definitely had a thing for her.

Strange. That gaping hole I felt seemed to close up a bit. Like I was going through the first successful stages of physical therapy to recover broken legs, you know when you're holding the support bars, and you're stumbling instead of walking but you can feel the progress even though you're not sure it's actually working. Maybe I was just tired from all the socializing I wasn't used to, and was mistaking it for something else. I looked over at Petra, who I caught staring at me. Her shoulders jolted in surprise, and she hastily stood up, forgetting her ankle was sprained.

"Owowowow..."

I caught her waist before she fell. Stupid woman.

And I think I made a mistake in doing that, because Erwin noticed the fleeting, concerned look I gave her, and the shy, thankful one she returned me. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, and that she was more likely to be my remedial buddy than whatever he was interpreting. But I let him think it was more.

Maybe I _wanted _him to. He of all people would be celebrating the most if I found someone I could finally, properly grow to like. Well, that was what I thought.

But I didn't see relief or joy in his eyes.

I saw the look of revulsion.

I saw the look of distress.

Telling me to stop.


	7. Desire

**Desire**

"_To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves."  
― __Blood Wedding and Yerma_

_Brrrr._

_Brrrr._

Click.

_Morning loser. Hope I woke you up!_

"Fuuuck..." I groaned out of bed. Not today too. She knew I was a light sleeper, so it was pretty fucking obvious these morning texts were on purpose.

Yes. We exchanged numbers, and since then she'd been sending pointless messages and photos daily. Yesterday she sent me a photo of her pet cat, the day before that it was a potted plant, today I predicted her hair dryer. I rarely replied. Really, there was only so much you could say to things like _my cat looks like she's gained weight _or _I'm making beef stew today_. But she still kept on texting me regardless. I'll admit. They became my guilty pleasures. And sometimes I noticed things in her photos, like her green canapé, and a bird cage. To me they were subtle gateways into her life, and a house I hoped to visit one day.

It's not what you think.

I texted her back.

_Go tell your boss you just lost him a regular._

Instant reply.

_You're such a dick omg. _

You know you're treading on dangerous waters when you start grinning stupidly to yourself while reading a text from a woman. It was a first for me. I've never looked forward to texts from girlfriends, friends or even family. And not to sound like a cocky bastard, but I've never had to try very hard for a girl either. But with Petra she was difficult to read. We seemed to be on the same page, but at times she came off as distant, withdrawn. I wasn't afraid of rejection, and asking her out wasn't an issue, but every time I tried to make a move she just seemed to know, and then she'd avoid the topic, and I'd stop myself from asking. We weren't getting anywhere, but she didn't seem to only want to be friends. Honestly I had no fucking clue.

_Brrr._

Another text. Did she have nothing better to do? I say that but I'd already opened it. _Oh_. It was from Erwin.

_Gym at 11._

I wasn't really in the mood, but I hadn't gone for three days so I might as well. We still hadn't talked about that day since. I personally didn't care anymore, because whatever he had said was technically right. I _was_ a mess. I _had_ no direction. But now I was trying to fix that. Find myself a reason. Figure out why I was so emotionally void. Soul-searching shit I guess. The previous me would have punched myself for even saying that.

I got out of bed.

* * *

As expected, the gym was pretty packed on a Saturday morning. I didn't like that, especially with the collective sweat contaminating every body-building equipment I was planning to use. I made sure to bring my own hand sanitizer, three sets of towels, and body wash. I'd usually take a quick shower here, and another one at home. If it were up to me I wouldn't even be here, in fact I could easily take a small chunk off my inheritance and build my own gym. But I was a grown ass man, and fuck if I ever touched my inheritance and became that rich kid that couldn't do anything for himself.

Also Erwin insisted I get my ass outside. I said he had that power over people. I wasn't lying.

Erwin was already on the treadmill, and I guess he expected me to join him since he was waving at me. I put my shit away in a locker first. It smelt like horse shit in the men's locker room. When I came back he was already sprinting.

We ran in silence, and I wanted it to stay that way. When I worked out, I liked to keep a blank slate. Think of nothing, say nothing, be in my own little world. Feel the tempo of the heart rate as it crescendos. Wait for the aching pain.

"Hey," Erwin broke in.

I guess it was impossible when you were with someone. "What?"

"Can we talk now?"

From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn his head. I tried avoiding the topic. "Don't look at me, you'll fall."

"I won't fall," he said, and I could hear the quick pace of his breathing. "Look, I said some pretty harsh things the other day and I'm sorry. I really was just worried about you."

"You said what you had to."

"I'm being serious here, Levi."

"I know."

"No, you don't get it."

He was acting like a bratty teenager trying to prove his point with schoolyard comebacks. I dragged a sigh.

"Erwin, I _know_. I took your words to heart, and you were right, I really am living a fucked up life. If it makes you feel better I'm doing some self-evaluation. So whatever you said that night I appreciated it, alright? Now can we drop this because it's getting really fucking cheesy and I'm about to gag."

"Holy shit you can be deep," said a voice behind us. And I looked behind me, only to see Petra on the elliptical with a huge grin on her face.

I stumbled. Caught myself on the handles before I could fall. Jammed both feet on the edges of the treadmill. And there was this long moment of awkward silence where I was hating myself.

Erwin had to stop his treadmill. He cupped a hand over his mouth and started shaking. Petra just let it out, tears and all, and all of a sudden the entire gym was staring out way. I could just fucking die now.

"Oh god, that was good!" she was still slamming her fist on the display panel. You'd think she was having a seizure. I stopped my treadmill as well.

"What the fuck Petra?" I snapped.

She wiped her tears away, and I wondered what she'd look like if she was really crying. If I _made _her cry. "I'm sorry Professor, I heard the two of you having a deep and meaning conversation and I didn't want to interrupt."

"It was not a deep and meaning—"

"Haven't seen you here in a while," Erwin brushed me off, apparently having laughed enough.

I turned to Erwin. "She's a regular and you knew?"

"Why do you care?" and I didn't like the way he said it, like he was accusing me. It was snide. It was rude. Sudden too.

"What's it to you if I do?" I said low enough so that Petra couldn't hear.

"I'm only trying to help."

"What? You're the one that wanted me to start taking relationships seriously or some stupid shit."

"You don't understa—"

"Hey, hello, don't ignore me." Petra crossed her arms.

I stepped off the treadmill, wanting to get away from this so-called friend who was obviously as bipolar as a menstruating bitch. One minute he's telling me off, the next minute he's apologizing, and now he was snapping at me for no apparent reason. What the fuck was his problem?

"Levi?"

"Fuck you Erwin." I gave him the finger and left them both.

* * *

Strength training was packed full of body builders and show-offs, so I didn't care if Erwin decided to follow me or not. There were enough people here so that he wouldn't try another one of his 'talks' on me. There was one free bench press. It would do. My arms were feeling weak lately anyway. More pain, less worries.

I laid out a towel on the upholstery, adjusted the weights and got to it.

I was on my second set when it started to burn. Gradually, but it was there. I kept my breaths steady. A sudden thought of Erwin and Petra talking (probably about me) comes to my head, and I stupidly increase my pace. I almost dropped the damn bar and weights on myself.

"Jesus...fucking...Christ" I ground my teeth and push it back into the hooks. There was no way I was going to get anything done with those two in my vicinity.

"Yo," Petra popped out of nowhere, holding a blue yoga mat.

"What do you want?"

She frowned. "You ran off without saying anything to me, don't you think that's kind of rude? I would've come to bug you earlier but I was talking to Erwin."

"Good for you."

"We were talking about you."

"I don't care."

"Ass," she laid her mat down on an empty space beside me.

"What are you doing, you're in the wrong place."

"Can't I do my stretches in a sea of wonderfully buff men?"

"Bitch whatever," I muttered.

I started lifting again, ignoring my desire to watch her do her stretches in those tight leggings that clinched to her slim thighs. I tried not to imagine what it would be like if she came in a sports bra. I increased my pace again.

And while I was barely on my seventh lift, she asked me teasingly, "Are you wondering what Erwin's doing?"

"No."

Just lift. Just lift. Just lift.

"You suuure?"

Lift. Lift. Lift.

I stopped to take a breath, hooking the bar and weights again. I sat up and gave her an annoyed look. "Just focus on your stretches!"

And she was, to my dismay, so I caught a glimpse of her rack as she pulled her arms back. I was too old for this.

Today was unproductive. If anything I was hurting myself from stopping so suddenly.

The other guys began paying us attention, and I noticed some of them were looking _her _way. I took a moment to assess her. Hair tied in a small ponytail, fitting gray tank, and again those leggings. She was fit. Had nice legs. I suppose she was something to look at. But seriously, look at her again and there's gonna be a problem.

Petra finished her stretches, and got up. "Well, I'm done for the day."

"It hasn't been twenty minutes since I saw you..."

"Hey I was here an hour ago, you just came too late."

She picked up her yoga mat and started towards the lockers. Then I saw him, some grungy-looking douche bag that was waiting to stalk her, leaning against the wall and flexing his...you couldn't even call those abs, more like baby fats. And it shouldn't be any of my business, but I felt like fucking him to a pulp. I don't take chances. I threw my towel over my shoulder and followed her, giving the douche a long, hard, glare as I passed him.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Petra asked.

"Going to get my shit, what does it look like?"

"Huh. Sure."

But as we got to the split between male and female, I found myself naturally tagging along after her. She noticed, but didn't say anything. The place was empty. Thank god. She was leading me, and I was following. The situation was weird, new, exciting, tense. But we were going with it.

When she finally stopped, I let desire come over me. I ambled towards her, and she took slow steps back until we hit a dead end. I had her pinned against the lockers.

Right about now things were getting heated. She could hate me for this, but goddamn I couldn't keep my distance anymore. She was blushing, so I took that as a good sign, and she wasn't pushing me away, but she wasn't letting me in either.

"You're in my way,"

I cocked an eyebrow. "Am I?"

"And you smell like sweat."

"You don't look too bothered by it."

"I'm not," she purrs, and it was fucking arousing.

"Petra," I heard myself growl.

She didn't budge. Instead, she took a handful of my shirt and pulled me closer.

I hesitated. And it struck me that maybe I was having second thoughts. But I had no reason to. She was _finally _accepting my advances. But I knew that feeling, that same unnatural force that pushed me away the day I met her. What was stopping me? And what was stopping her? We were locked in a gaze. Not sure where to go from here, not sure if this was okay to go further. But I knew I was at my limit. I needed her. And it was the first time I'd been so spellbound by a woman.

"What the fuck have you done to me?" I murmured.

She gave me a look. It was shy, sweet, sensual, and I never knew she could make that expression. "Levi..."

That was it. When she said my name, my self control made a run for it. I wanted her so bad, right here, right now, even with every part of my conscience telling me how _wrong _that would be. I touched the side of her face. The first act of intimacy. The first time I felt her skin against mine. And it was like an electrical surge powering through me. I heard her gasp.

The door swung open, and we broke apart.

"Tsk." I clicked my tongue. I could punch a wall right now. That cock-blocking unnatural force was at it again. I could have had her. I could have _taken _her in a public locker room. It would have sealed the deal and gotten rid of all the confusion and mixed signals.

Footsteps followed, and it was coming our way. Petra threw my towel at me. I caught it. When did I drop this?

"Professor, get out of the female lockers before they find you." She was still blushing, and it was ridiculous how _cute_ she could look. I couldn't believe I was even using that word for a girl. I wondered why I ever called her plain.

She was still waiting for me.

"Ah...right."

I reluctantly left, with a head full of thoughts and my stomach in a knot.

This was fucking exciting.

* * *

...

...

I think it makes more sense to put the author's note here.

Thanks for the reviews lovelies, you don't even understand how emotional I get reading them *cue gross sobbing*

Also, I know some of you are from the Philippines, so I just wanted to say I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well.


	8. Petra's Punishment

** Petra's Punishment**

"_I'm sure I'll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on."  
― Cinder_

He was here again. Casually in the same spot. Casually looking handsome.

I'm serious. He was really, really, really good looking. I liked abs, he had them. I liked the dark, brooding man, he was its living example. And I _loved _an attitude, oh boy did he have one. He was kind of short but, you know, I didn't mind that, he was still taller than me. Besides, short was what made Levi _Levi._ I don't imagine any other guy could pull off that quirky undercut of his either.

Admittedly his _looks _was the first thing that came to my head the first time I ever laid eyes on him, which was, a day he didn't remember, but a day that was still poignant in my memories. It was when I arrived in the country to finally settle into my new life. Dad wouldn't stop nagging me about it, and I know he meant well, but sometimes I felt too co-dependent whenever he was involved in my life. He wanted me to move earlier, but I wanted to finish college, and I was glad I did.

I think of the day I arrived as the day my life took a 180 degree turn. When everything went wrong, and everything went right. Levi being right, me catching my barely 4-month-old husband cheating with a fugly whore that had STD written on her face being bad.

Yes. I was married. A newlywed, and maybe soon, a newly divorced.

To be honest I didn't care anymore. The moment I caught him grabbing her ass in a parking lot I fell out of love. And it's strange, I was only heartbroken, gross sobbing and shit for about an hour, but then I had this weird epiphany, like our whole relationship was just a fabricated lie set up by fate to fill in for something much bigger. When I confronted him about it he refused to separate and gave me all sorts of bullshit excuses like _she was onto me_. Like wow, that's all you could come up with for having your dick in her pants? I later found out he'd been cheating ever since I decided to stay in college after we married, and he flew back to his hometown to work.

Here's where I hit a roadblock. I told him the marriage was a sham, a mistake, and it should have never happened. I told him I wanted a divorce either way. But you see, I had two low income jobs, I was broke from spending all that money on a wasted wedding, and I had just moved to a foreign country. Where else was I meant to go? I mean, the only friends I had here were Eld, Gunther and Oluo. They were all guys, Eld had a girlfriend, Gunther lived in another city four hours away, Oluo had been in love with me since high school so I couldn't exactly take advantage of that and then give him the wrong ideas.

I loved those guys a lot. Them, excluding my husband, were a triple god-send that college had graced me with. I was so, so keen about moving to their country, their home, and hoped that it could become my home. I had always felt disassociated with the country and town I had grown up in, it was like I was put there to segregate me from everybody else. Meeting my husband gave me the opportunity to leave (as much as I hate to admit). There was no way I could tell them about my situation, when they were already so ecstatic about my move, and while said husband was a good friend of theirs.

Other than that, the only other people I knew were Erwin (who I barely knew), and Levi...but we were already complicated. And it's funny how it all came to shit the moment I meet Levi, like he pulled the trigger. But that was ridiculous. It was just a coincidence. It's rude to blame him.

So now, I was basically under my cheating husband's foot, until I saved enough to move out. He was persistent with us, claimed he broke up with his slut for me, but I didn't buy it. You can't expect me to believe a cheater, and I saw the texts he sends her. Disgusting.

I started working as a waitress to speed up the divorce, and now two months later, Eld got me some night shifts at the bar he worked at. My excuse was that I didn't want to be sitting at home housewife-ing all day, because that was not me. Tomorrow was my first shift and I was glad to be away from the house for the first night in a _while._

Levi noticed I was standing in a daze, lost in my own thoughts. "Hey, you okay?"

"Sorry. Daydreaming," I said, forcing out a smile.

"No I mean, are you physically okay? You look worn out."

The way he looked at me, it reminded me of that moment we shared in the lockers. I still thought about it every night when I wasn't trying to my best to avoid and forget husband. Levi made me feel things I never knew existed. Maybe I could attribute this to love, but no, it was much bigger. I just wanted to get out of my failed marriage as soon as possible, and take my chances with him, discover all the possibilities we could have.

"I'm perfectly fine," I lied, and I know he didn't buy it.

What I liked about him was that he wasn't a nosy, pushy person. He knew when to ask and he knew when to stop. It might be because he was an experienced psychologist that he was so observant.

"Just...don't do anything stupid," he muttered.

"That's cute, are you worried about me?"

He grimaced. "What a distasteful way to put it."

I chuckled. The things that came out of his mouth were just so dry. He could be nice and a jackass at the same time, and _still _make a girl giggle. It made me wonder what I even saw in Noel (the husband) that attracted me to him. I mean he was a nice guy...oh my god. I think that was all I could come up with.

Was I so blinded by a pretentious, fake relationship that I'd mistaken it for love and just got hitched with the _wrong-est_ person for me? Petra you idiot, look where it has led you. I sighed. I guess this was my fault to begin with. Anyway, he wasn't so nice anymore. He was forceful, snappy and a complete misogynist.

"It's annoying," Levi said. "When you sigh like that."

"Sorry." I didn't realise I was sighing out loud.

"It's even more annoying when you apologise."

"Oh Jesus Christ, is everything I do annoying?" I snapped.

"Everything," he smirked.

I suddenly felt hot, and my heart was beating too fast. Why, why, why did he have to make everything he did look so damn _sexy_? I turned away, self-conscious about the way I looked to him. I should have worn more makeup today...and taken a shower this morning instead of rushing out of the house with bed hair. Oh god he made me nervous, but at least I was forgetting my dilemmas.

"When are you free?" he asked.

"Huh?"

He sighed. Hypocrite.

"When do you have free time this week?" he rephrased.

"Saturday afternoon and Sunday night I guess."

"Good, keep Sunday night free."

"Why?"

"I dunno, I thought we could eat out or something." And he said it so smoothly. I mean, most guys would stutter and say something stupid, but he sounded veteran. In fact, I was the one with my heart beating through my neck right now, I couldn't believe _Levi _was asking me out on a date. I don't think girls got this privilege very often, but I was careful to play it down, I didn't want to boost his already large ego.

"Oh," I said casually, "that sounds good."

"Give me your address, I'll pick you up," he said it like a demand.

"Uh no it's fine," Noel might unexpectedly pop up knowing my luck, and then there would be more drama. "I'll make my own way there, just message me the details."

As usual, he didn't push it. "Suit yourself."

Oh my god this was actually happening.

"Thanks for the coffee," he got out of his seat, and I saw him reach for his wallet.

"Don't you dare tip me like a cheap whore."

Instead, he took out his smokes. "Wasn't going to, but if you want—actually no," he lit one for himself and shoved it back in his pocket. He took a long drag, and smiled, "It doesn't suit you."

Swoon.

And when he was gone, away on that ebony motorcycle of his, looking fucking gorgeous as ever, I was standing there clutching onto my order book, blushing excitedly. This was so _bad._

* * *

The kids gave me a break today. Sometimes it felt like they knew if I was having a good day, and wanted to keep it that way just for me. I loved children. I mean, I _loved _the way they laughed, played, giggled and even cried. There was a sense of innocence in them that we adults could never recover no matter how hard we tried. It was just so easy to make them happy. If only it was the same for us. I so, so wished we didn't have all this petty drama we blow out of proportion to deal with.

For example, like right now. When I walked through the door of my apartment, and the husband was sitting there, waiting for me. Yes I was scared, it was only natural. He had tried to force himself on me on more than one occasion since splitting up, but of course I wasn't a little bitch (as much as Levi liked to call me one), I mean I had to play dirty like take a bottle and throw it over his head, but it worked. The only reason I hadn't called the cops on him was because I—I had no idea why.

"Petra, babe." He started, getting to his feet. Ugh, he called me _babe_.

"Not today, can't you see I'm tired."

"Can't you see I'm wasting away because of you?" He was coming closer, and I could smell the alcohol from where I was standing. Oh my god, no.

"No, all I see is this dumbass wasting away on alcohol like _I _did something wrong when _he _was the one that cheated." I shouldn't be egging him on, but I couldn't help it.

He shrugged his shoulders, like he was tired of it all. "I said I was sorry, it was a mistake. Just a fling, nothing more than that. Petra you know...you _know _how much I love you," And he started forcing tears out of his eyes. Oh please, someone hand him some hot chocolate, a box of tissues and porn.

"Should have thought of that before cheating, cheater."

Noel staggered towards me.

"Come any closer and I swear I'll throw a stiletto at you—" but he was quick, drunk and for some reason that made you stronger. Violent. He threw me down, and my back hit the ground. The pain pierced through me, and I let out a cry. I struggled and pushed, but all it did was make him more forceful. He grabbed the inner part of my thigh, and I screamed.

He jolted back. Released me. Stumbled as he stepped backwards, like he was shocked by his own actions. Noel looked at me, wide-eyed. "Oh shit, shit. Petra I didn't mean to..."

I shot him a glare, pulled my skirt down. I was livid, so fucking livid, yet shitting myself with fear. It was just a cycle of chaos in this house, and I just wanted to leave. I wanted so fucking bad to leave, so why was I so incapable of doing it? Why was fate so keen on keeping me here with a man I _never _loved? Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? My life was literally perfect until I came here.

"I swear," I felt myself shaking with all the emotions that had built up until now, "If you touch me, one last time, I don't care if I have to live on the streets, I _will _call the cops, and I _will _fucking leave this hole!"

I was on the verge of tears, but I had no desire to show him a weak me. I was strong. I was independent. My flaw was being too soft on people, but that didn't make me a toy to be played with. Petra, Petra, get your shit together. Just a little more and you can leave peacefully. I got to my feet.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I heard him say.

I locked myself in my room.

* * *

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...

Petra's POV will continue next chapter. Thank you for the responses to last chapter, it makes me genuinely happy there are rivetra fans enjoying this, because let's face it, our OTP is gone. *cries in a corner forever*

On another note, tumblr has consumed my life. Why didn't anyone stop me?


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